I have to admit, I’m feeling a bit down in the dumps today. I’m not really sure how to describe it though. I don’t know; maybe I just need some chocolate.
I hate this town. I hate that I’m 10+ hours away from all of my friends and family. I hate that I don’t know where we’ll be in 6 months. I hate all the stupid websites I’m dealing with and all the stupid technical errors that I have no clue how to fix. I hate my dog and all of his barking. I hate that I’m the only one in this house who knows how to put laundry away. I hate that I’m too lazy to workout. I hate that it’s almost swimsuit season. I hate the effort it would take for me to go to the market and get some bananas. I hate this pollen. I hate the stupid guy who thinks it’s fun to drive around the block in his Honda playing Big Pimpin’ on full base. Oh, and I hate my husband.
Maybe not hate, but I’m feeling very annoyed with Jason. See if this makes sense to you — normally, he’s required to work 12 hour days. If you are doing well enough with training, they give you “reduced hours” meaning you get to work 4 hours less a week. You could go home an hour early for 4 days or 4 hours early on one day. Make sense? Well, Jason’s on reduced hours this week, but instead of coming home an hour early, he’s chosen to work 14 hour days. For instance, yesterday he left the house at 4:45 AM and didn’t get home until after 7:00. He says he has to put in extra time to continue to do well enough to get reduced hours. But what’s the point in having reduced hours if you’re just going to work more hours anyways? He says him leaving for work two hours early doesn’t effect us because we are still asleep, but when he falls asleep two hours earlier than usual, it does have an afffect. He’s even mentioned working this weekend so that he can have reduced hours during the week.
I know that I’m just bitching over a couple of hours here, but I’m frustrated. When he goes out to sea, I’m not going to see him for 6-10 months at all. I mean, he’s on shore duty right now. Is it wrong for me to want to see him every night?
Oh, and get this. Last night, he passes out and I’m not sure what sort of dream he was having, but it definitely wasn’t my name he was saying. I resisted the urge to put a pillow over his face, but only because I know you can’t control dreams. But seriously!?!
Maybe this needs a little bit of backstory. At prototype, it’s usually easier to pair up with another sailor and work together on checkouts. He prefers to work with women because, sadly to say, it’s easier for girls to get checkouts. He’s never had a problem coming home and talking to me about his partner whether it’s a girl or a guy. Well, earlier this week, he was telling me about his day and kept saying “we.” So, I asked him who he was working with.
Deer in the headlights.
After a moment of silence, I asked him again. “Oh, nobody important. Just some person,” was his answer. Strange. That’s not usually the response I get. After a couple minutes of prodding, he finally tells me that it was just some girl, then changes topics. At this point, I’m getting curious because he’s acting all shady, but everytime I bring up his day, he ignores me. Finally, as we are getting ready for bed, I asked if he was acting weird because he was attracted to her. Silence. I ask him again and he very impatiently responds, “No. Of course not. Not really.”
I want to clarify here, that even if he had said yes and that she was the hottest chick ever, I’d be okay with that. It’s not like I haven’t been attracted to another guy in the last 4 years and I’m pretty sure I’d leave him if Taylor Lautner came into the picture. (Team Jacob FTW!)
Anyways, as I’m up feeding his child at 4 in the morning, he tells me all this sweet stuff about him being committed to me, etc. Up until this point, nothing bad had even crossed my mind, but things are starting to sound an awful lot like they did when I was with Brandon. I know it’s not fair to Jason, but once you’ve been cheated on, it’s always there. You lose your faith in guys not to be complete douches. I trust Jason 100%. (Plus, he’s too afraid of me to cheat. He’s not certain whether I would literally kill him, but he knows I would leave without any hesistation.)
He’s just been acting strange this week.
Add to this odd behavior the dream and working extra hours and now I’m wondering why exactly he is spending all this time at work instead of with his family. I know that I am all shades of awesome and he’d be stupid to think otherwise, but maybe he is attracted to this girl — and not just in a she’s hot sort of way.
*sigh*
Or maybe I’m just being incredibly neurotic. I’m sleep deprived. I see my husband less than 3 hours a day and most of those hours are spent talking about work. I have a shitty-ass ex-husband who has ruined my faith in human beings.
Or maybe Jason just forgot to take the trash out this morning (for the 50 billionth time) and I’m looking to pick a fight.
Either way, he better bring home some chocolate.
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