The Longest Week Ever!

Jason's supposed to get orders this week.  (Tomorrow actually, but I'm not holding my breath.)

I have another week until I'll know if I'm having normal cycles again.

Kaelin officially starts her homeschooling next week, so we have to pack a summer's worth of fun into 7 days.

Fun times.

How Do You Raise More Than One Kid?

Kaelin was an only child for a long time.  After she was born, our family was complete.  We knew we didn't want or need any more kids. 

But life happens and several years later, Jason and I started talking babies.  If?  When?  How many?

Harper was born when Kaelin was 8 1/2 years old.  She loves her little sister and she's a great big sister.  Honestly, I really can't imagine trying to raise another baby without her help.  But things are different now.  I'm older.  I have so much more patience with Harper than I did with Kaelin.  Kaelin had colic.  She would scream for something around 20 hours a day.  When her dad came home, he turned on the Playstation and asked me why I couldn't shut the baby up.  After all, he'd been at work all day. 

I only breastfed Kaelin for 6 weeks and never exclusively.  We didn't cloth diaper.  I didn't feed her homemade baby food.  I had no problem sticking her in front of the tv when she was being too bothersome.  I stuck her in daycare and went back to school without a second thought. 

Harper's experienced the opposite of everything.  She's exclusively breastfed and cloth diapered.  I bought a food processor and have books about making your own purees.  The only tv she watches is when Kaelin or I watch tv.  I'm still not sure if I'll ever go back to work, but I hate the thought of not being with Harper all day.

Do I love Harper more than I love Kaelin?  Of course not.  Do I feel that Harper's gotten a lot more attention than Kaelin did, even as an only child?  Maybe. 

A four month old takes a lot more work than an almost nine year old.  I have to give Harper a bath while Kaelin can take an unsupervised shower.  I have to nurse Harper while Kaelin can pour her own cereal.  Kaelin's content to read quitely in her room while I have to play with Harps.  I try to do special things with Kaelin like let her run errands with me while Jason takes the baby, but she's not really interested.  She doesn't want to watch movies with me and rarely curls up with me in bed.  It doesn't seem that Kaelin feels the same way I do; she's already in negotiations for another sibling (as long as it's a girl).  Yet she tells my parents that she never gets to spend time with me.  Am I missing something?

Wow, I'm completely rambling now.

Would I feel differently if Kaelin and Harper were closer in age?  Or does it not matter how old they are -- I'll always worry that I'm treating them differently?  Does this get easier with more kids?  Harder?  Am I going to have to pay huge therapy bills? 

Postpartum Depression (and More Pity Party)

I’m depressed.

I don’t know if it’s postpartum depression though. I had the “baby blues” right after Harper was born. I was happy, but I would just start crying for no reason. I chalked it up to the hormones and lack of sleep and after a couple of days, I was fine. I’ve been on an all out google search trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me but I haven’t really gotten any answers. Apparently, I don’t match any of the symptoms of PPD nor do I have any of the risk factors.

Let’s see. Loss of appetite. Nope. Quite the opposite, in fact. Insomnia. No. Irritability or anger. Well, yes, but I think that’s more related to Jason being an ass lately instead of my depression. Although, maybe I’m only angry at him because I’m depressed. Or maybe both. Fatigue. Yes, duh. What mom with a new baby isn’t fatigued? Loss of interest in sex. I’m not throwing my clothes off for the above said ass husband, if that’s what you mean. Feelings of shame or inadequacy. Nope, I’m pretty effing awesome. Mood swings. Nope. Difficulty bonding with the baby. Whatever — Harps and I are tight. Thoughts of harming the baby. Again, no. I have the best baby in the world. I haven’t wanted to throw her out the window once.

Looking at my symptoms (or lack there of), it appears that everything is Jason-based. I’ll agree that all of the crap going on with our marriage isn’t exactly helping, but I think I’ve been depressed longer than that. I don’t know; maybe it has gotten tons worse since he made a new “friend.” Maybe it’s not even depression at all. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like when you lose that connection that you’ve spent years building. I doubt it though. It was so bad yesterday, I couldn’t even manage to get out of bed to take Kaelin to school.

*sigh*

I have no clue, and I would hate to call it PPD when it’s not. A lot of moms (and some dads) go through this and in my opinion, it’s not taken seriously enough. I also have no faith in my doctor to actually diagnose me correctly and even if he did say I have depression, so what? It’s not like I would agree to take any sort of medication anyways. Just because there isn’t proof that something is dangerous isn’t proof that it’s safe. In fact, there are NO depression medications considered safe while breastfeeding and only a handful that are “probably safe.”

*more sighs*

Anyways, a brief update (or maybe not so brief) on Jason. I had the pleasure of meeting his “friend” last week. She was WAY too touchy feely with him to the point that I got up and left. Jason later told me that I was being rude, but it was either leave or punch her. I don’t think he realizes it, but me punching her is not an empty threat. Granted, it’s been 10 years, but I did spend the night in jail for punching a girl. (For the record, she hit me first and I had absolutely no clue who she was.) What really bothers me about it is that he didn’t care that she was hanging on him. I want to know what exactly is happening at work that she feels so comfortable around MY husband. He told me not to worry because she was married, but um, hello… married people never cheat?

I just don’t get the whole situation. He thinks that I have a problem with him working with any female, but that’s not the case. I know that the two genders can be friend and be just friends. I was in the military. I have a degree in a male-dominated discipline. My closest friends are male. In fact, I would say something like 99% of my friends are male. I really don’t care if he is working with a girl. I care that he is working with this girl. I’m not okay with them flirting all day. I’m not okay with her sitting in his lap. I’m not okay with him getting mad at me because I’m not okay with them flirting all day and her sitting in his lap.

*deep breath*

This has completely strained our marriage. I really do wish I was okay with their relationship, but I’m not and that’s not going to change. I trust him not to physically cheat, but it pretty much ends there. I’m at a loss for what to do now. I refuse to give him an ultimatum because I don’t want to be the bad guy and because he’s made it clear that he’s going to continue working with her no matter what my feelings are on the subject. I’m not willing to let her ruin my marriage but the whole thing is just making whatever depression I’m battling with worse.

And I have to deal with this for the next 5 months.

Welcome to My Pity Party

I have to admit, I’m feeling a bit down in the dumps today.  I’m not really sure how to describe it though.  I don’t know; maybe I just need some chocolate.

I hate this town.  I hate that I’m 10+ hours away from all of my friends and family.  I hate that I don’t know where we’ll be in 6 months.  I hate all the stupid websites I’m dealing with and all the stupid technical errors that I have no clue how to fix.  I hate my dog and all of his barking.  I hate that I’m the only one in this house who knows how to put laundry away.  I hate that I’m too lazy to workout.  I hate that it’s almost swimsuit season.  I hate the effort it would take for me to go to the market and get some bananas.  I hate this pollen.  I hate the stupid guy who thinks it’s fun to drive around the block in his Honda playing Big Pimpin’ on full base.  Oh, and I hate my husband.

Maybe not hate, but I’m feeling very annoyed with Jason.  See if this makes sense to you — normally, he’s required to work 12 hour days.  If you are doing well enough with training, they give you “reduced hours” meaning you get to work 4 hours less a week.  You could go home an hour early for 4 days or 4 hours early on one day.  Make sense?  Well, Jason’s on reduced hours this week, but instead of coming home an hour early, he’s chosen to work 14 hour days.  For instance, yesterday he left the house at 4:45 AM and didn’t get home until after 7:00.  He says he has to put in extra time to continue to do well enough to get reduced hours.  But what’s the point in having reduced hours if you’re just going to work more hours anyways?  He says him leaving for work two hours early doesn’t effect us because we are still asleep, but when he falls asleep two hours earlier than usual, it does have an afffect.  He’s even mentioned working this weekend so that he can have reduced hours during the week.

I know that I’m just bitching over a couple of hours here, but I’m frustrated.  When he goes out to sea, I’m not going to see him for 6-10 months at all.  I mean, he’s on shore duty right now.  Is it wrong for me to want to see him every night?

Oh, and get this.  Last night, he passes out and I’m not sure what sort of dream he was having, but it definitely wasn’t my name he was saying.  I resisted the urge to put a pillow over his face, but only because I know you can’t control dreams.  But seriously!?!

Maybe this needs a little bit of backstory.  At prototype, it’s usually easier to pair up with another sailor and work together on checkouts.  He prefers to work with women because, sadly to say, it’s easier for girls to get checkouts.  He’s never had a problem coming home and talking to me about his partner whether it’s a girl or a guy.  Well, earlier this week, he was telling me about his day and kept saying “we.”  So, I asked him who he was working with.

Deer in the headlights.

After a moment of silence, I asked him again.  “Oh, nobody important.  Just some person,” was his answer. Strange.  That’s not usually the response I get.  After a couple minutes of prodding, he finally tells me that it was just some girl, then changes topics.  At this point, I’m getting curious because he’s acting all shady, but everytime I bring up his day, he ignores me.  Finally, as we are getting ready for bed, I asked if he was acting weird because he was attracted to her.  Silence.  I ask him again and he very impatiently responds, “No.  Of course not.  Not really.”

I want to clarify here, that even if he had said yes and that she was the hottest chick ever, I’d be okay with that.  It’s not like I haven’t been attracted to another guy in the last 4 years and I’m pretty sure I’d leave him if Taylor Lautner came into the picture.  (Team Jacob FTW!)

Anyways, as I’m up feeding his child at 4 in the morning, he tells me all this sweet stuff about him being committed to me, etc.  Up until this point, nothing bad had even crossed my mind, but things are starting to sound an awful lot like they did when I was with Brandon.  I know it’s not fair to Jason, but once you’ve been cheated on, it’s always there.  You lose your faith in guys not to be complete douches.  I trust Jason 100%.  (Plus, he’s too afraid of me to cheat.  He’s not certain whether I would literally kill him, but he knows I would leave without any hesistation.)

He’s just been acting strange this week.

Add to this odd behavior the dream and working extra hours and now I’m wondering why exactly he is spending all this time at work instead of with his family.  I know that I am all shades of awesome and he’d be stupid to think otherwise, but maybe he is attracted to this girl — and not just in a she’s hot sort of way.

*sigh*

Or maybe I’m just being incredibly neurotic.  I’m sleep deprived.  I see my husband less than 3 hours a day and most of those hours are spent talking about work.  I have a shitty-ass ex-husband who has ruined my faith in human beings.

Or maybe Jason just forgot to take the trash out this morning (for the 50 billionth time) and I’m looking to pick a fight.

Either way, he better bring home some chocolate.

My Weekly Rant

This week’s topic… FORMULA FEEDING.

It’s common knowledge that “breast is best.”  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breastfeeding exclusively for at least 6 months.  The World Health Organization goes even further and recommends nursing for two years.  Yet, only 13.6% of moms are still exclusively breastfeeding at 6 months.  I imagine that the percentage at two years is practically nonexistent.

Almost everything you read will talk about how AMAZING breastfeeding is for you and your baby.  But it’s not true; breast is not best.  Breast is normal.  Breast milk is what babies have eaten for thousands and thousands of years.  Breast milk is fine; formula is sub-par.  Articles will say to breastfeed your baby but don’t worry about it too much if you don’t breastfeed.  If it didn’t matter whether your baby was breastfed or formula fed, why would there be tons and tons of studies proving otherwise?

I’ll admit it.  I only breastfed Kaelin for six months.  Why did I stop?  Honestly, it was because I was selfish.  I was tired of dealing with nightly feedings.  I was annoyed at having my breasts leak in the middle of the grocery store.  I got free formula from WIC.  But above all else, I quit breastfeeding because everyone told me that “formula is just fine.”

Now, almost 9 years later, I realize what a load of crap that is.

Now, before you start in with your buts and what ifs, I understand that there are times when a baby has to be formula fed.  I know several moms who have had various breast surgeries that have either removed all their milk ducts or severed the duct itself.  In fact, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed because of several biopsies, a lumpectomy, radiation, and a couple rounds of chemo.  My goal was to try and I’m very blessed that I can still nurse my baby.  Thank God that there is formula for moms in these sorts of situations, but these moms don’t account for the 76.4% of women who aren’t breastfeeding at 6 months.  Hell, I’m pretty sure that moms who aren’t able to breastfeed know that breastmilk is better than formula.  (Plus, milk banks are on the grow.)

“But I don’t make enough milk.”

That’s crap.  I’m sorry to say it, but it is.  Gina, aka The Feminist Breeder, said it perfectly.  “If only 13.6% of us could make enough milk, the human race would never have survived.”  Breastfeeding is all about supply and demand.  You make colostrum for the first few days after the baby is born.  Yes, the baby is only eating teaspoons of the stuff, but that’s all he needs.  I don’t understand why doctors feel the need to suggest formula because “the milk hasn’t come in yet.”  Just because a baby weighs a couple ounces less than some graph says he should isn’t a good enough reason to feed your baby man-made crap.  Besides, you know what happens when you feed your baby that bottle?  The baby’s not suckling at the breast and your body doesn’t get signaled to make more milk.  When you don’t make more milk, you assume your supply is too low and you give your baby another bottle of formula.  When your baby is drinking the formula, he’s not at the boob and your body doesn’t make more milk.  It’s a nasty cycle.

Breast milk is recommended.

Let’s say that you can breastfeed and just want to supplement with formula.  Have you ever looked at a can of the stuff?  I’m a chemist and even I don’t know what half the chemicals are in it.  Do we know anything about the long-term safety of it?  You can’t watch the news without hearing a new report about how high fructose corn syrup will kill you or how aspartame gives you brain cancer.  Parents are paying good money to buy organic peas for their toddlers, but they have no problem feeding their infants chemicals.  A can of formula has more ingredients than a soda.  It sort of reminds me of Britney Spears feeding her babies Coke.

That's a LONG list!

In 2005 and 2006, Similac recalled over 300,000 because of manufacturing problems.  I wonder what happened to those who didn’t get the memo, opened up a can at 3:00 in the morning and didn’t see the black plastic particles mixed in with the formula.  Whoops!  Between 1982 and 1994, there were at least 22 infant formula recalls, 7 of which were life-threatening.  Nestle has been in the news for possibly violating World Health Organizations formula codes.  We need to remember that these companies are out to make money, not nurture our children.  I’m much happier feeding my baby something I KNOW is safe.

Formula fed babies are sicker.  Kaelin constantly had an ear infection or a cold.  She had diarrhea.  She had allergies.  Harper has not had a single malady.  Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but are you willing to take that risk?  Breastfeeding is hard, at first.  It takes work, but if you haven’t realized it yet, so does everything about parenting.  Just wait until you get to potty training.

Edited to add:  I’m not trying to guilt women who formula feed.  I AM judging people (moms, doctors, well-meaning strangers) who assume that formula is just as good as breast milk without any dangers or those who encourage moms to just throw in the towel and formula feed already.