And More Updates

Yeah, yeah... I suck at making up blog titles.  This is going to be a quickie since Harper could wake up at any time and there's a lot of stuff that deserves it's own post so I promise more will be coming later!

Harper finally had her 6 month check-up today.  She's 17 lbs and 26 inches, 60th percentile for both height and weight.  I was a bit concerned that she's down from the 75th percentile for weight, but the doc assured me that it's just because she's crawling.  Apparently babies tend to have a dip when they start moving around.  She loves that Harper's still breastfed and LOVED our cute little cloth diapers.  All in all, we have a very happy, healthy baby.  Not so much as a single fever or ear infection since she's been born.

Cheap velcro and leaking -- FUN

As far as those cute little gDiapers go, I'm having mixed feelings.  I've had a couple questions about them, so I definitely want to talk about them in more depth, but anyone thinking about them may want to hold off. 

Kaelin started homeschooling last Monday.  Overall, I think it's going to work well for us.  There's a little bit of an adjustment on both our parts, but I think she's learned more in a week than she did in a month at Marrington.  She's loving Latin and she's getting a lot more out of her Bible readings than I thought she would.  I'm going to start doing a weekly recap of everything she's learning once we get out of the review stuff. 

I started my fall vegetable garden.  While this might not sound all that impressive, I've never had the green thumb that the rest of my family has.  I mean, I lived on a freaking farm.  My dad was a farmer and I can't even have a houseplant.  Yet, vegetables are expensive and it would be great if I knew how to grow my own food for when the apocalypse comes and I can't just mosey down to Publix.  My Brussels sprouts aren't looking too hot, but my zucchini are magnificent.  I mean, they're only sprouts right now, but they haven't died yet.  Win!  If I even get one little cherry tomato out of this thing, I'll consider it a success!

Brussels sprouts, tomatoes, and zucchini!

Jason's got less than 3 weeks of Prototype left!  These last six months have been pretty trying on our family, but one way or another, it's almost over.  He's on mids (8:30 PM - 8:30 AM) which is the hardest shift he has.  He never gets enough sleep and he walks around like a zombie ALL.  THE.  TIME.  He fell asleep at Harper's doctor appointment this morning if that's any indication of how sleep-deprived he is.  Of course, it's his own fault because he sits downstairs and watches cartoons with me, I mean the kids, instead of sleeping.  He even failed a watch this week because of it.  He was so upset about it because he had down everything perfect up until the last 10 minutes.  He started to zone out and turned a valve the wrong way.  His instructor really didn't want to fail him, but if he did something stupid like that on a real watch, he could have killed someone.  The sad thing is, I gave him a harder time about it than the staff did.  He was worried it would screw up his chances of staying on as an instructor, but his crew kept telling him not to worry about it and that several instructors have failed more than one watch as a student. 

I, being a former nuke, told him to suck it up and stop failing because if he gets sent to Guam, he's going alone.

Ok, maybe I wasn't quite so blunt.  But I did tell him that the Navy's his job and he needs to do whatever he needs to do to not screw up at work even if it means chugging coffee for 12 hours.  Then I reminded him that it's not the end of the world if he doesn't get staff as long as they don't send him to welding school.  Welding school is in Groton and only 3 months long so we wouldn't get to go with him if they made him go there.  I'm sorry, but I'm not spending 12 weeks in this craphole without my husband. 
I feel bad that he's had such a shitty experience with the boat being down practically the whole time while his friends in New York were able to board weeks ago.  Oh well.

Let's see... what else?  I got my first official check from the magazine I write for.  My article should be out in the November issue so I'll probably spend that first check buying magazines that prove I'm an official writer.  Oh, and I totally fit into my old pants (KUrunner desperately needs an update).  Yay me, again!

Updates

Jason officially was picked up for staff so we won't be moving any time soon.  Poor guys having a hard time getting checkouts though because the staff is like, "You don't need to know this as a student, but you'll have to know it in a few months so go learn it now."  He was the only person on his crew to be selected as staff though, so I'm pretty proud of him.  His "friend" also applied, but she didn't even get an interview.  I know, I'm a bitch, but that makes me smile just a little.  She's getting a divorce though, so I'm not really enjoying her misery to the full extent because I'm not that mean.  I did spend the morning in happy tears because a guy who's made life really sucky for the whole crew got really crappy orders when almost everyone else got what they wanted.  Karma, baby! 

Our toilet is broken and no amount of plunging seems to fix it.  We put in a request form with the housing office, but they suck.  Apparently a non-flushing toilet isn't high priority.  Yeah, they're going to like it when I wake up at 2 in the morning and forget it's broken and water seeps through to the bottom floor.  I absolutely love my house, but hate the company we rent from (yet, they are still better than Balfour Beatty who privatized base housing.)

Kaelin starts Mother of Divine Grace homeschool on Monday.  We're pretty excited.  I'm a bit nervous because I'm not sure I should be teaching her Latin or Catholic catechism but it's got to be better than the crap excuse for public school here.  Also, there isn't a Catholic school in town.  Blarg.

Harper is NUTS.  This kid can crawl - hands and knees belly off the floor type crawl.  I mean one end of the room to the other in the 10 seconds it takes to pull out her baby jail Pack & Play.  Also, notice how they aren't called playpens anymore?  I guess people didn't like the idea of putting their kids in a pen.  Anyways, I sit her in her bedroom floor to get pjs out of the closet and she'll be under her crib before I turn around.  She really likes it under her crib.  And under Jason's desk.  And under the coffee table. 

She's in gDiapers now.  I love them.  They are so much lighter than our prefolds/cover combination.  Maybe that's why she's able to get around so fast now.  We also discovered Harps could be a baby model.  Scout's also coming around to her.  It's not like he didn't like her, but now he lets her crawl up and pet him. 

Seriously, aren't I cuter than the babies on the packs of diapers?

Still no teeth, though.

My April marathon has been canceled.  No clue why.  It was on the website one day, then not the next.  I can't justify going to Kansas just to run a half so maybe it is a good time to try for Baby MacGyver Chuck Norris Thundercats Snake Eyes Picard.  Not that we are having any luck with that yet.  I guess I'm going to have to find another race, but since I don't know if it will take us a month or a year to get pregnant, I don't want to lock myself in, you know?

I need a new camera.  I love that my iPhone has a video camera and it takes AMAZING pictures outside in full light.  But if it's not 100% bright in the house, the pictures come out grainy.  Suggestions?

The Longest Week Ever!

Jason's supposed to get orders this week.  (Tomorrow actually, but I'm not holding my breath.)

I have another week until I'll know if I'm having normal cycles again.

Kaelin officially starts her homeschooling next week, so we have to pack a summer's worth of fun into 7 days.

Fun times.

Patiently Awaiting Orders

Or maybe not so patiently...

Arrrghh!

In theory, Jason gets his orders in less than a week.  Of course, we all know how the military is.  Hurry up and wait, right?

Anyways, Jason applied for staff pick-up and according to the staff on his crew, he got it.  I don't know why the current instructors would tell him that he was accepted, but I'll believe it when I see it in writing because I know the second I start my garden in the backyard, his orders will magically change and we'll be off to Guam.  Or I'll buy curtains for the windows in Kaelin's room and we'll be sent to Pearl Harbor. 

I'm not completely okay with us staying in Charleston for another 2.5 years.  The whole place is a swamp and when it rains, you can smell the paper mill.  It's too hot.  It's too humid.  NWS Charleston is one of the crappiest bases I've ever seen.

For the past several months, I've been planning on moving to Norfolk in September.  My family is in Virginia.  We have friends in Norfolk.  I have my grad school application filled out for Old Dominion and I'm just waiting to put it in the mail.  I've researched neighborhoods and parks and birthing centers and gyms and races.  I've even looked at housing in Groton (Hi Breezy!) and Bremerton (Hi Jeff!) in case we didn't get Norfolk.  Honestly, the only reason I even want Norfolk is the proximity to my family.  Part of me still hopes we go to Seattle.  My best friend lives in Seattle and I would completely bring back grunge single-handedly.  And the coffee...

Six months ago, Jason didn't even want staff pick-up.

It began when I realized how cheap housing was in Goose Creek than any other duty station he requested.  We LOVE our house.  It's huge.  We have a massive backyard with a privacy fence.  We have a fireplace and hardwood floors and a garden tub.  And Harper was born here, literally.  We could never find anything similar if we moved to Norfolk (at least not in a decent neighborhood).  We would be stuck in base housing in both Groton and Bremerton, which don't get me wrong -- base housing is nice there, but not nearly as big and as private as what we are living in now.  Plus, we would only qualify for a 3 bedroom until Jason reenlists in a few months.

But really, the big reason Jason decided to apply for SPU is that he won't be deployed anytime soon.  We could move to Norfolk in September and he could be in the middle of the Atlantic by October.  He could miss Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.  He could miss our 5 year anniversary.  He could miss Harper's first step, first word, first birthday.

I've been through a deployment as a Navy wife before.  It sucks.  I know that Jason will be deployed.  I just don't want him deployed right now while Harper's so little and while we are planning a bigger family.  Will I want him to get deployed in 3 years?  Of course not.  But with our current situation, it's preferable to being deployed anytime soon.

Plus, we have a big-ass TV we don't want to move.

Although, this whole post is pretty pointless because it's up to the Navy.  Yes, we've been told we're staying here, but who knows?  All I can do is put our life on hold for another week while waiting to hear the news. 

Another Three Months of This, Really?

These last few months have been one of the crappiest periods of my life.  That's so weird to say, though, because at the same time, these past few months have been amazing.  I'm so blessed to have my family, and every day that I get to see Harper and Kaelin grow is just... wow!

But my husband has been non-existant.  He's still at Prototype (a 6 month long, intensive training program) and he's working himself sick.  Unlike his other schools, Prototype is go at your own pace.  You have 22 weeks to do a certain amount of work, but you can finish as early as 13.  Of course, you have to get special permission to finish that early, but it's possible.  More realistically, most people start to finish around 16 weeks until about 20. 

Jason's at the end of week 13. 

There are circumstances beyond his control that's making it really hard for everyone to get qualified.  There's just not enough staff and not enough time to get everything done that needs done.  The way it works is, you have to get a certain number of points a day to stay about the curve, the curve being the number of points you need at any given time to finish in week 22.  If you fall below the curve, you're dinq (delinquint in qualification).  If you're dinq, bad things happen.  You get to work 14 hour days instead of 12.  If you get far enough ahead of the curve, good things happen.  You get to work 10 hour days instead of 12. 

Thankfully, Jason's never been dinq.

He's been on reduced hours most of prototype, even though he doesn't usally take them.  Most of the time, he goes into work a couple hours early so he can get a head start.  While he's at work, he rarely takes breaks.  He eats lunch at his desk while he studies.  Needless to say, after 10+ hours a day, 7 days a week of this, he's turned into a zombie.

He comes home and falls asleep in the middle of a conversation.  When he does have the energy to talk, it's always about work.  He's so stressed because he feels like he should be doing better.  But he's one of 3 mechanics on his crew who aren't dinq.  Really, there's nothing else he can do, but that doesn't stop him from trying.  I love that he's so ambitious and wants to do well.  One of the problems from our early relationship was that he was a bit too content sitting in front of the computer all day while I was at work.  I just want him to lighten up a little. 

I've tried to tell him it doesn't get much easier after he graduates.  Who cares if he qualifies week 16 instead of week 22?  Absolutely nobody.  When he gets to his next boat, he has to do it all over again.  Welcome aboard, you're dinq and all that.  Except it's going to be worse.  Instead of training, it's a real boat.  You know, one that actually goes underwater and fights the bad guys.  When he gets to the fleet, he'll have duty days.  He'll have underways.  He'll have deployments.  We aren't going to see much of him at all.  I've been doing this for over ten years. 

I'm a Navy wife.  I accept this.

But he's at a training command now, and damn it, I want my husband back.

Note:  I know that there are people who have it worse off than we do.  My heart goes out to the guys who work just as hard as Jason, but still have to put in extra hours.  However, your complaints that you don't get to see your family because you work 14 hour days don't weigh very much when you go home, ignore your wife and play Halo for 6 hours.  It also doesn't make sense to complain that you don't get to see your husband if you go out with your friends every night after he gets home.  I also really don't care that you don't get to see your boyfriend because he's on a different crew.  You date a fellow sailor, what did you expect?  Don't bitch about your 6 month deployment when you spend more time playing WoW than with your kids.


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Postpartum Depression (and More Pity Party)

I’m depressed.

I don’t know if it’s postpartum depression though. I had the “baby blues” right after Harper was born. I was happy, but I would just start crying for no reason. I chalked it up to the hormones and lack of sleep and after a couple of days, I was fine. I’ve been on an all out google search trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me but I haven’t really gotten any answers. Apparently, I don’t match any of the symptoms of PPD nor do I have any of the risk factors.

Let’s see. Loss of appetite. Nope. Quite the opposite, in fact. Insomnia. No. Irritability or anger. Well, yes, but I think that’s more related to Jason being an ass lately instead of my depression. Although, maybe I’m only angry at him because I’m depressed. Or maybe both. Fatigue. Yes, duh. What mom with a new baby isn’t fatigued? Loss of interest in sex. I’m not throwing my clothes off for the above said ass husband, if that’s what you mean. Feelings of shame or inadequacy. Nope, I’m pretty effing awesome. Mood swings. Nope. Difficulty bonding with the baby. Whatever — Harps and I are tight. Thoughts of harming the baby. Again, no. I have the best baby in the world. I haven’t wanted to throw her out the window once.

Looking at my symptoms (or lack there of), it appears that everything is Jason-based. I’ll agree that all of the crap going on with our marriage isn’t exactly helping, but I think I’ve been depressed longer than that. I don’t know; maybe it has gotten tons worse since he made a new “friend.” Maybe it’s not even depression at all. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like when you lose that connection that you’ve spent years building. I doubt it though. It was so bad yesterday, I couldn’t even manage to get out of bed to take Kaelin to school.

*sigh*

I have no clue, and I would hate to call it PPD when it’s not. A lot of moms (and some dads) go through this and in my opinion, it’s not taken seriously enough. I also have no faith in my doctor to actually diagnose me correctly and even if he did say I have depression, so what? It’s not like I would agree to take any sort of medication anyways. Just because there isn’t proof that something is dangerous isn’t proof that it’s safe. In fact, there are NO depression medications considered safe while breastfeeding and only a handful that are “probably safe.”

*more sighs*

Anyways, a brief update (or maybe not so brief) on Jason. I had the pleasure of meeting his “friend” last week. She was WAY too touchy feely with him to the point that I got up and left. Jason later told me that I was being rude, but it was either leave or punch her. I don’t think he realizes it, but me punching her is not an empty threat. Granted, it’s been 10 years, but I did spend the night in jail for punching a girl. (For the record, she hit me first and I had absolutely no clue who she was.) What really bothers me about it is that he didn’t care that she was hanging on him. I want to know what exactly is happening at work that she feels so comfortable around MY husband. He told me not to worry because she was married, but um, hello… married people never cheat?

I just don’t get the whole situation. He thinks that I have a problem with him working with any female, but that’s not the case. I know that the two genders can be friend and be just friends. I was in the military. I have a degree in a male-dominated discipline. My closest friends are male. In fact, I would say something like 99% of my friends are male. I really don’t care if he is working with a girl. I care that he is working with this girl. I’m not okay with them flirting all day. I’m not okay with her sitting in his lap. I’m not okay with him getting mad at me because I’m not okay with them flirting all day and her sitting in his lap.

*deep breath*

This has completely strained our marriage. I really do wish I was okay with their relationship, but I’m not and that’s not going to change. I trust him not to physically cheat, but it pretty much ends there. I’m at a loss for what to do now. I refuse to give him an ultimatum because I don’t want to be the bad guy and because he’s made it clear that he’s going to continue working with her no matter what my feelings are on the subject. I’m not willing to let her ruin my marriage but the whole thing is just making whatever depression I’m battling with worse.

And I have to deal with this for the next 5 months.

Welcome to My Pity Party

I have to admit, I’m feeling a bit down in the dumps today.  I’m not really sure how to describe it though.  I don’t know; maybe I just need some chocolate.

I hate this town.  I hate that I’m 10+ hours away from all of my friends and family.  I hate that I don’t know where we’ll be in 6 months.  I hate all the stupid websites I’m dealing with and all the stupid technical errors that I have no clue how to fix.  I hate my dog and all of his barking.  I hate that I’m the only one in this house who knows how to put laundry away.  I hate that I’m too lazy to workout.  I hate that it’s almost swimsuit season.  I hate the effort it would take for me to go to the market and get some bananas.  I hate this pollen.  I hate the stupid guy who thinks it’s fun to drive around the block in his Honda playing Big Pimpin’ on full base.  Oh, and I hate my husband.

Maybe not hate, but I’m feeling very annoyed with Jason.  See if this makes sense to you — normally, he’s required to work 12 hour days.  If you are doing well enough with training, they give you “reduced hours” meaning you get to work 4 hours less a week.  You could go home an hour early for 4 days or 4 hours early on one day.  Make sense?  Well, Jason’s on reduced hours this week, but instead of coming home an hour early, he’s chosen to work 14 hour days.  For instance, yesterday he left the house at 4:45 AM and didn’t get home until after 7:00.  He says he has to put in extra time to continue to do well enough to get reduced hours.  But what’s the point in having reduced hours if you’re just going to work more hours anyways?  He says him leaving for work two hours early doesn’t effect us because we are still asleep, but when he falls asleep two hours earlier than usual, it does have an afffect.  He’s even mentioned working this weekend so that he can have reduced hours during the week.

I know that I’m just bitching over a couple of hours here, but I’m frustrated.  When he goes out to sea, I’m not going to see him for 6-10 months at all.  I mean, he’s on shore duty right now.  Is it wrong for me to want to see him every night?

Oh, and get this.  Last night, he passes out and I’m not sure what sort of dream he was having, but it definitely wasn’t my name he was saying.  I resisted the urge to put a pillow over his face, but only because I know you can’t control dreams.  But seriously!?!

Maybe this needs a little bit of backstory.  At prototype, it’s usually easier to pair up with another sailor and work together on checkouts.  He prefers to work with women because, sadly to say, it’s easier for girls to get checkouts.  He’s never had a problem coming home and talking to me about his partner whether it’s a girl or a guy.  Well, earlier this week, he was telling me about his day and kept saying “we.”  So, I asked him who he was working with.

Deer in the headlights.

After a moment of silence, I asked him again.  “Oh, nobody important.  Just some person,” was his answer. Strange.  That’s not usually the response I get.  After a couple minutes of prodding, he finally tells me that it was just some girl, then changes topics.  At this point, I’m getting curious because he’s acting all shady, but everytime I bring up his day, he ignores me.  Finally, as we are getting ready for bed, I asked if he was acting weird because he was attracted to her.  Silence.  I ask him again and he very impatiently responds, “No.  Of course not.  Not really.”

I want to clarify here, that even if he had said yes and that she was the hottest chick ever, I’d be okay with that.  It’s not like I haven’t been attracted to another guy in the last 4 years and I’m pretty sure I’d leave him if Taylor Lautner came into the picture.  (Team Jacob FTW!)

Anyways, as I’m up feeding his child at 4 in the morning, he tells me all this sweet stuff about him being committed to me, etc.  Up until this point, nothing bad had even crossed my mind, but things are starting to sound an awful lot like they did when I was with Brandon.  I know it’s not fair to Jason, but once you’ve been cheated on, it’s always there.  You lose your faith in guys not to be complete douches.  I trust Jason 100%.  (Plus, he’s too afraid of me to cheat.  He’s not certain whether I would literally kill him, but he knows I would leave without any hesistation.)

He’s just been acting strange this week.

Add to this odd behavior the dream and working extra hours and now I’m wondering why exactly he is spending all this time at work instead of with his family.  I know that I am all shades of awesome and he’d be stupid to think otherwise, but maybe he is attracted to this girl — and not just in a she’s hot sort of way.

*sigh*

Or maybe I’m just being incredibly neurotic.  I’m sleep deprived.  I see my husband less than 3 hours a day and most of those hours are spent talking about work.  I have a shitty-ass ex-husband who has ruined my faith in human beings.

Or maybe Jason just forgot to take the trash out this morning (for the 50 billionth time) and I’m looking to pick a fight.

Either way, he better bring home some chocolate.

Prototype

Jason starts the next phase of his training on Monday — prototype. Basically, protoype is a moored ship that he’ll learn all the skills that he’ll actually use out in the fleet. Most everything else up to this point has been theory.

Jason and his CO

We are both excited for him to start. I’ve really enjoyed having him around the house 20 hours a day so he could help out and bond with Harper, but it’s time for him to work on his career. The sooner he’s done with prototype, the sooner we get out of this crap town. He also gets a nifty bonus when he finishes training as well as almost 2 years of back sub pay. We’ll also get about an extra $600 a month. Yay!

Of course, it’s not all about the money. Jason’s a lifer (meaning someone who plans to spend 20 years in the service) and he really wants to get picked up for OCS so he can become an officer. Everyone at his command thinks he would be a great officer and I have no doubt that he could make it into the program… except… he wants to be a nuke officer. To apply for the nuke program, you have to have 2 semesters of calculus and 2 semesters of physics. He only has one semester of each and there is no way he could get both of those classes waived. When he gets to his next duty station, he’s planning to take those classes at a local college, then apply. However, he’s old. Not old old, but old in the Navy sense. You have to have an age waiver if you are over 26 and you can only apply with that waiver until you are 29. So, he’s fighting against the clock here. The more time he spends at a training command where he isn’t allowed to take extra classes is less time he has to put in his packet.

Sadly, if he gets picked up for OCS, he’ll have to go through the training pipeline again as an officer. Another 6 months of power school then another 6 months of prototype.

*sigh*

He better look good in chokers.