Brand New Jumperoo!

Not sure what I'm supposed to do here...

Hey, I can spin it!

Thank you, Daddy!

This is What 50 lbs Looks Like

I may have swallowed a small watermelon.

I was sorting through some pictures and thought these made for a nice comparison. The left is me, 166 lbs and 5 weeks pregnant. The right is the day I went into labor (39 weeks and 6 days) at 215 lbs.


Seven more pounds to go!

X-posted at KUrunner.

Crying It Out

Crying it out is a HUGE topic in the parenting community. Basically, the thought is, if you let your baby cry without comforting him, he’ll learn to soothe himself and be a better sleeper. Yet, for every doctor, mom, and “expert” who insist that CIO is the path to sleep-filled nights there is another doctor, mom, and “expert” who will tell you that you are doing irrepairable harm to your child. What To Expect* tells you to let your baby cry; Dr. Sears suggests a more nuturing approach. Who’s right?

I hate the thought of my baby lying alone in a dark room crying. Yes, babies cry, but I don’t believe that babies cry for no good reason. Sure, I might not know what it is that the baby wants, but I doubt she’s crying because she likes the sound of her own screams. Besides, I might not be able to stop Harper from crying, but I can hold her while she cries.

Of course, that was before I discovered that is works for her. Every night around 7:00, Harper starts to fuss. Then the fuss turns into a full out screaming episode without any provocation. I change her. I try to nurse her. I rock her. I sing to her. We try the swing, the bouncer, the Moby wrap… basically anything we can think to do. She still cries. I know it’s just because she’s sleepy because she only fusses during the day right before she falls asleep. Anyways, the other night, I was cooking dinner before Jason got home but Harper was well into one of her fits. I laid her in her crib so I could get dinner finished and the crying stopped. It had been all of two minutes, yet Harps was fast asleep and slept for the next 10 hours.

Sleeping like a baby.

The next night, when she started crying, I tried the same thing. Almost immediately, she was out. For the past month, we’ve been trying to soothe her for hours, but it turns out that a couple of minutes alone in the crib gets her to sleep much faster than we could. Still thinking it might be a fluke, I tried it during one of her daytime bouts of fussiness. Sure enough, she cried for a few minutes, then was sleeping peacefully.

I’m not sure what to do now. When I lay her down screaming, she really only cries for a few minutes. She’s been sleeping much better at night and taking longer naps during the day. Is it wrong of me to put a crying baby in another room? I mean, I would never let her cry for more than 5 minutes or so without picking her up, but is that too long? I’m still not a fan of CIO or any other sleep training, but what if it works for us? Maybe Harper just needs all the stimulation (including her loving parents) removed to be able to sleep. But then why does it break my heart to let go of my crying baby?

*On a personal note, I absolutely HATE the What To Expect series.

3 Months

Postpartum Depression (and More Pity Party)

I’m depressed.

I don’t know if it’s postpartum depression though. I had the “baby blues” right after Harper was born. I was happy, but I would just start crying for no reason. I chalked it up to the hormones and lack of sleep and after a couple of days, I was fine. I’ve been on an all out google search trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me but I haven’t really gotten any answers. Apparently, I don’t match any of the symptoms of PPD nor do I have any of the risk factors.

Let’s see. Loss of appetite. Nope. Quite the opposite, in fact. Insomnia. No. Irritability or anger. Well, yes, but I think that’s more related to Jason being an ass lately instead of my depression. Although, maybe I’m only angry at him because I’m depressed. Or maybe both. Fatigue. Yes, duh. What mom with a new baby isn’t fatigued? Loss of interest in sex. I’m not throwing my clothes off for the above said ass husband, if that’s what you mean. Feelings of shame or inadequacy. Nope, I’m pretty effing awesome. Mood swings. Nope. Difficulty bonding with the baby. Whatever — Harps and I are tight. Thoughts of harming the baby. Again, no. I have the best baby in the world. I haven’t wanted to throw her out the window once.

Looking at my symptoms (or lack there of), it appears that everything is Jason-based. I’ll agree that all of the crap going on with our marriage isn’t exactly helping, but I think I’ve been depressed longer than that. I don’t know; maybe it has gotten tons worse since he made a new “friend.” Maybe it’s not even depression at all. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like when you lose that connection that you’ve spent years building. I doubt it though. It was so bad yesterday, I couldn’t even manage to get out of bed to take Kaelin to school.

*sigh*

I have no clue, and I would hate to call it PPD when it’s not. A lot of moms (and some dads) go through this and in my opinion, it’s not taken seriously enough. I also have no faith in my doctor to actually diagnose me correctly and even if he did say I have depression, so what? It’s not like I would agree to take any sort of medication anyways. Just because there isn’t proof that something is dangerous isn’t proof that it’s safe. In fact, there are NO depression medications considered safe while breastfeeding and only a handful that are “probably safe.”

*more sighs*

Anyways, a brief update (or maybe not so brief) on Jason. I had the pleasure of meeting his “friend” last week. She was WAY too touchy feely with him to the point that I got up and left. Jason later told me that I was being rude, but it was either leave or punch her. I don’t think he realizes it, but me punching her is not an empty threat. Granted, it’s been 10 years, but I did spend the night in jail for punching a girl. (For the record, she hit me first and I had absolutely no clue who she was.) What really bothers me about it is that he didn’t care that she was hanging on him. I want to know what exactly is happening at work that she feels so comfortable around MY husband. He told me not to worry because she was married, but um, hello… married people never cheat?

I just don’t get the whole situation. He thinks that I have a problem with him working with any female, but that’s not the case. I know that the two genders can be friend and be just friends. I was in the military. I have a degree in a male-dominated discipline. My closest friends are male. In fact, I would say something like 99% of my friends are male. I really don’t care if he is working with a girl. I care that he is working with this girl. I’m not okay with them flirting all day. I’m not okay with her sitting in his lap. I’m not okay with him getting mad at me because I’m not okay with them flirting all day and her sitting in his lap.

*deep breath*

This has completely strained our marriage. I really do wish I was okay with their relationship, but I’m not and that’s not going to change. I trust him not to physically cheat, but it pretty much ends there. I’m at a loss for what to do now. I refuse to give him an ultimatum because I don’t want to be the bad guy and because he’s made it clear that he’s going to continue working with her no matter what my feelings are on the subject. I’m not willing to let her ruin my marriage but the whole thing is just making whatever depression I’m battling with worse.

And I have to deal with this for the next 5 months.

Too Cute Tuesday

Wow, wow, wow! What an absolutely amazing morning!

First up, a local magazine wants to publish my rant about formula. I have absolutely no clue how they came across my blog, but it amazes me that someone wants to actually put my words into print. Actually, nix that. It amazes me that people even read my blog. I don’t consider myself a writer, but it’s absolutely the best feeling to be able to express yourself in words that others want to read. The funny thing is, I really dislike my writing style (maybe because I’m married to a “real” writer) yet I’ve only received glowing feedback. Anyways, the details are still being hashed out and I’m not going to hold my breath, but how cool would it be if this thing actually happened? One article could lead to two, then to three, and who knows… maybe another magazine, then another. Maybe even an actual column. (FYI, magazine writing pay completely sucks. But, as of now, I’m writing for free and anything is more than nothing. Plus, I could spew my very important opinions at thousands of people.)

Next is Harper’s Birth Video. I originally uploaded it to youtube, and it had more than 5,000 hits in the first day it was up. Okay, so 5,000 views doesn’t seem like much when you consider that Evolution of Dance has like 150 million hits, but it’s about 4,950 more views than I expected. In fact, several birthing websites have contacted me to get permission to repost the video on their sites. If even one person watches Harper’s birth and contemplates going natural instead of automatically opting for the standard drugged up hospital delivery, I’ve done what I intended to do.

I have to admit, I was really nervous about sharing that video with the general public. I mean, nobody (except maybe Heidi Klum) looks good during childbirth. Hell, I’m afraid to post my very unflattering P90X pictures over at KUrunner. Also, I’m having a baby… on a toilet. How many of you have watched some show on TLC and thought the woman who said, “Well, I didn’t know I was having a baby!” was an idiot? (Trust me, had I realized Harps was coming, I would have gone someplace slightly less embarrassing.) So, I was a bit scared when I logged onto youtube and had an inbox full of HUNDREDS of messages. Thankfully, most of them were good — thanking me for posting it and telling me how inspiring it was. I even got a few questions about natural birth. Of course, I did get a couple that were along the lines of, “You idiot, you had your baby in a toilet.” I even had one admonish me for “glamorizing unassisted home births.”

A. Yes, I had an unassisted home birth, but it wasn’t planned and I would never willingly do it again.  (I mean, unassisted.  If I have a home birth, there will be a midwife there.)

B. Glamorizing? Um, what part of that video was glamorous in any sense of the world?  Maybe I just look that awesome during labor that everyone wants to copy me?

Overall though, I’m pretty happy with the reactions I’ve gotten from both my friends and strangers about Harper’s video and my writing.

And now, just because she’s so darned cute, I leave you with this.

Harper’s Birth Video

After much consideration, I’ve decided to post Harper’s birth video online for all the world to see.  I absolutely hate watching the “educational” birth shows on television, but everything is blurred out so you can’t actually see anything.  So, I figured, if I’m not willing to post my vagina on youtube, I can’t complain about Discovery Health.


If you remember Harper’s birth story, she arrived by surprise at home after a quick labor.  We were planning a natural birth using the Bradley method, but we really didn’t get to use many of the techniques because of the short labor.  We did get our natural birth, though!


Ok, before you actually watch the video, realize that it does involve a tiny person coming out of my body; therefore, there is nudity and lots of gross-looking fluid stuff.  If you are squeamish or don’t want to see the vagina of a 9 month pregnant woman, you probably shouldn’t click play.  Also, the video was recorded by Kaelin and I’m sideways for the first half.


Without further ado…